I could sense him locking up; it was the one and only reason I hadn’t told anyone. I don’t want them acting different around me, treating me like I’m some fragile shell of a man. He was lost and I could see that. He was also the one I knew was going to be the hardest to break the news to, knowing that I also knew that I didn’t do a very good job at telling him. I could see the questions rolling around in his head while he kept his eyes straight ahead. When he gets quiet, that always means he’s about to burst open at the seams and all you can do is wait for that wrath to hit. I looked out my window watching the sun kiss the top of the trees hoping we wouldn’t have the fight I knew was coming.
So how long have you known about this?
“Not too long. I knew something was wrong a few months ago, but I ignored it until Jen pointed it out to me that I wasn’t keeping up with her like I always had. Then I started hurting and I decided to go to the doctor thinking I needed to take vitamins. In the back of my mind, I knew it was possible it was back when I started losing energy, but I didn’t want to let that seep in too much. I didn’t want to start thinking that way, putting a death sentence on myself. I haven’t told anyone for a reason, Chad. This wasn’t something I was trying to hide or keep a secret; I honestly didn’t know how to tell anyone, especially you.”
I don’t know whether I want to hug you or punch you in the face for keeping it from me. You said not too long, but then you say months…how long have you known and been keeping it to yourself?
“A couple of months. I’ve been trying to decide what I want to do. I didn’t want to tell anyone until I could come to terms with everything I’m facing. I can’t be strong for anyone else if I can’t be strong for myself. I’m sorry; I had to get my head on straight first. Why would you want to punch me? I could be dying here; you could at least pretend to be nice to me now.”
How could you go through this on your own? That is why I want to punch you. You never think for a second that maybe some of us would like to be given a chance to be strong for you. I’m so pissed off at you for always thinking I can’t stand on my own well enough to be there for you. Now I’m mad at myself for being pissed at you because that’s probably the last thing you need.
Chad pulled the car over and got out. I let him stand there for awhile before I followed him. I felt the air from the cars rushing past us pushing against my back. Chad was standing with his hands crossed on the back of his head. It began to sink in how bad my timing was and how great of a friend I really had.
“Chad, I’m sorry. I can’t say that enough. It wasn’t me not having faith in you; it’s more me knowing that when I let it out, it became real. I’m not ready for this. I’m not ready to fight a battle with myself knowing that the odds are stacked against me. I haven’t lived yet, and here you are finding a girl that you could stop prowling around for. Do you know how bad this sucks? I don’t want to hurt anyone or worry people into thinking that I don’t care, but all these options they keep telling me don’t add up for me. I don’t want to do this again. I can’t do it again. That makes me feel like I’m letting everyone down and I am, I know that. This isn’t me trying to tell you that you’re weak, this is me not knowing how to fall completely apart and not being able to deal with the reality that I was given.”
You can’t fall apart? Are you freaking kidding me, man? I feel like an ass for telling you that you’re the best damn friend I’ve ever had and if you don’t fight then what’s left for me? Some girl? I don’t care about some girl right now, Tobs. I care about the guy that has always had my back and always puts me in place. She’s been in my life for all of two months and you’ve been here since I was four. How can you not want to fight for us? For you? How can you toss in a stupid towel when your life is on the line? Don’t you get that everything you do comes back to us? If you fail, in ways we fail. I can’t do this either. I wasn’t here the first time around. I didn’t see you at your worst and I regret that because I should have been here instead of out chasing tail, but I’m here now and I need you to be too.
“Why do I feel like music is going to start playing and I’m going to throw my arms in the air and run towards you for some stupid hug? I’m telling you right now you better not kiss me if we have one of those movie moments. I’m not that kind of guy to just go kissing people on the side of the road.”
Stop it! Damnit! This is important. Don’t make fucking jokes about this. I need you to be serious and tell me that you are going to fight, if not for you…then do it for the people that care about you.
“If I don’t make jokes, then what else am I supposed to do? Roll over and die? I’m not going to be different from how I am just because I’m sick. I can’t change what happens to me. If someone up there wants me gone, then I’m gone no matter how much of a fight I put up. You can’t change that, Chad. No one can. There are things in this life that are what they are, and this is one of them. You weren’t here the first time and I’m not doing this to punish you. It’s a miracle I pulled through all that the last time; I’m not counting on another miracle that doesn’t happen to guys like me. I had my chance. I’m still having my chance and I just want to make the most of it. I need to do that for myself.”
Get back in the car. We’re going to at least eat before we talk about this. I never have been able to keep up with you on an empty stomach.
“Who are you kidding? You’ve never been able to keep up with me period. You got the looks and I got the brain, that’s just the way it is.”
You’re acting like nothing is happening, like this isn’t going to change everything. I can’t joke around with you knowing what I do. Let’s just not talk until we get back to your place.
I sat there knowing that this was what I didn’t want to happen. He’s going to sulk because I’m not sure that I can fight this, he’s taking it personal. It makes me wonder what others are going to do. Are they going to stop joking around with me because they are only thinking of what the future might hold instead of me being here now? The last thing I want is for people to walk around on eggshells around me.
Thinking about the first time they told me I had cancer I was so scared. I was afraid no one would want to be around me because of what they had to go through just from being my friend. I was actually glad that Chad wasn’t there for that. He didn’t see me at my weakest and he never treated me any differently because of it. He was the one person that would laugh with me without a second thought. If I lose that part of our friendship during this go around, I’m not sure what I’ll do since I’ve already started pushing people away. Part of me wonders if I was wrong to not push him away, but the other knows he never would have let me. He did get me thinking about all the things I still wanted to have in my life. I didn’t want that. Thinking that way makes me want to fight this to have them, but I know the reality that I have to look towards.
Walking into the dark and dreary house of my best friend, I tossed my keys onto the table behind the sofa that caused his head to pop up and start looking around.
You asleep?
“Obviously not anymore you jackhole. What are you doing here? I thought you had some important prowling around to do.”
I’m finding that prowling around isn’t as fun when you find someone that has blindsided you into wanting to be steady. I thought I’d come by and see my little friend, you know, see if he wanted to get into some trouble like back in the old days.
“Never did I think I’d see the day that a girl could get you to want to settle down, she must have beer flavored nipples.”
Not funny at all little man, besides that I don’t really wanna talk about her, I’d much rather take you out and try to find something to get into. Whaddya say?
“I’m really tired, but it has been awhile since we’ve been out and about together. I’ll go if you tell me about the girl.”
Aight, it’s a deal as long as you don’t give me any of your romantic crap advice. I’m sinking enough on my own as it is.
I had noticed he had been getting a little slower over the past couple of months. When any of us would stop by he was normally passed out on the couch, in the chair, or back in his room no matter what time of day it was. When he would venture out with us, he’d always have to stop and take breaks now and then blaming his bad knee. Most of us were thinking something was going on that he wasn’t telling us and I was the one that always said he’d tell us if there was something up. I had known him since we were kids and I knew he’d tell me before he’d tell anyone else, or would he protect me? The only way to get it out of him was to force him to fess up. Getting him alone seemed like the only possible solution to this and it’d be a nice way to get my mind off her.
This was the guy that ran circles around me all during high school. He kept it up as we got older masquerading as a shy quiet guy when in fact he was this huge ball of energy. Deep down I knew that what they were saying about him was true, but I didn’t want to believe it because I couldn’t picture my life without him in it. He was the guy that had always came to my rescue no matter how bad I had screwed up, he’d pick me up, dust me off and then kick my ass himself while explaining to me how stupid I was for doing this or that. After all was said and done, we’d go out and grab something to eat and laugh like nothing had happened. He was the stable serious one; I was always the class clown that never stopped breaking the rules.
So why are you always sleeping when we come over? You starting to feel your age now?
“Why don’t we just get down to business and you ask me what you really want to know. You don’t have to dance around with me, Chad. I know you better than you know yourself. You got me out here to get me to crawl in some corner and breakdown, didn’t you?”
Something like that. I know there’s something up with you and I’m the last person you can hide that from, but we all see it.
“You tell me about the girl and I’ll tell you about me that was our deal.”
I don’t care about the deal. I’ll tell you about the girl, but first you are going to tell me what is going on with you. You couldn’t sit still if your life depended on it and now we can’t pry you from the couch even if we waved pizza in your face. I want to know what gives.
“I have cancer. Is that what you wanted to hear?”
Everything stood still. He stared out his window. I looked straight ahead. I didn’t know what to say to him at that point. I didn’t know how to comfort him when I didn’t know how to comfort myself.
Her name is Brooke. She’s older than me and has a little boy. Problem is that she’s dating this other guy right now and feels that it’d be better if she didn’t talk to me while she figures out what’s there with him.
“Whatever you do, don’t stop talking to her. If you’re feeling it, stick around even if you have to be her friend and hold her hand when they fight. Don’t walk away, but stand over her either. Let her know you are there, pop in now and then and ask her how her day is and little things that let her know you’re there. Just try not to flirt and walk around half naked when she’s around or you’ll blow it.”
Are you saying my body would kill it for her?
“I’m saying that you keep the physical attraction out of it. Be her friend, show her you can do that and the rest will fall in place how it should.”
Then it hit me that if anything were to happen to him, I had no one else. He was my brother whether we were blood or not, he held me to the standards that I never held myself to. I couldn’t tell him how I felt about what he was going through. I wasn’t ready to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it, but I did want to run to her because I knew her smile would somehow sooth everything I was feeling at that exact moment.
Just then I looked down at my phone and she had sent a text thanking me for the second bowl and the drink. She also managed to say she was sorry for being so curt.
Do I fall apart on her? Do I tell him what I’m feeling and what I’m not? All these were the things I’d normally ask him about. He was always my second brain and now I was so afraid to be myself around him.
You know, at some point you’re going to have to talk to me.
“What makes you think that?”
You wouldn’t want me to come in to the salon someday and profess my undying devotion to you while threatening to drink the blue water in the scissor holder, now would you?
She laughs. “No I don’t believe that would be very well for business, but it would probably land you in a fashionable white jacket!”
In that case, how about I shave random spots out of my head and sit outside the door telling everyone not to let you near their hair?
“The sad thing is that I could totally see you doing that just to get one of my awesome cuts! None of my clients would believe that I had done that to you unless you had deserved it. What I’m wondering, though, is if you followed me here?”
I did. You caught me. I had been sitting outside your apartment waiting for you to come here so that I could follow you and sit on the other side of the restaurant barely being able to see you eat your chips and try to stick the little bowl they use for salsa into your suitcase of a purse.
“Crap! You saw that? I thought Katie was blocking well enough that I could slip it in. I really can’t help it, but I love these little things! Seriously though, what are you doing here?”
Every now and then I like to eat Mexican and sadly this is the only place in this little town that is a Mexican Restaurant. I saw you sitting here and thought I’d be friendly and at least say hi and give you some shit about not saying anything to me in awhile.
“Oh, well to explain that…Bryce, the guy I told you about, is more in the picture now than before. I thought since he and I were talking first that it wasn’t right to continue talking to you until I know where this is going with him.”
Ah, so you think I just want in your pants. I see.
“No! Okay, maybe I do. Do you not? I mean I assumed that you were wanting something more than friendship.”
Nah, I thought you were fun and easy to talk to, but I understand and I wish you well with him.
As I turned and walked away from her table, I wasn’t exactly sure what I had just done. At least I knew and that was something I respected her even more for. It isn’t often that you find a girl that will tell you flat out what she’s thinking. I made my way over to the counter by the exit to pay still wondering why I was always craving more no matter how much time we spent together. As the cashier took my ticket, I told her I wanted to take care of the table she was sitting at and that I also thought she could use another bowl of salsa since they had taken hers before she was finished along with her favorite drink. She nodded. I paid, turned around and gave her a nod and half smile before walking out the door.
The ball was in her court now. All men know that it is never a good thing when the ball is in the girl’s court because somehow it makes them think you aren’t interested in anything at all. There’s only so many times a guy can take getting turned down before he gets the idea that you aren’t that into him. Funny how some people don’t see that it works both ways.
I had decided to spend more time focusing on friends that needed me rather than a love life that was obvious I wasn’t going to have anytime soon. Besides, who needs to be tied down to someone anyway…at least that was what I was telling myself over and over again trying to force myself to believe it were true.